The Satnav

Five characters are needed: The driver, [Jon] (who is the purchaser of the Satnav), the dealer who sells it to him, and three Satnav voices; the neutral voice giving directions; the voice of temptation and the voice of conscience.

The three characters initially start out screened behind a curtain, but on stage direction emerge.

Scene 1:                 In a shop, Jon the driver is holding the Satnav and examining it.

Jon:   “This is the very best then?”

Dealer:       “Absolutely sir. You will never be lost with this model. No matter where you are in the world this Satellite Navigation system will pinpoint your location with absolute accuracy. Don’t ask me how it does it, it just does.”

Jon              “What’s it got that others haven’t?”

Deal.           “An incredible number of features. Sir. Recommended places to visit, eat, discounts, bargains, cheap days out, all that sort of thing. Then it will navigate you past road blocks, traffic queues, road tolls, terrorist outrages, war zones; in fact anything and everything that could be detrimental to your well-being. And the latest upgrade which we’ve just installed is a fully interactive feature which the manufacturers call “lifestyle navigation” – I don’t know much about that myself, but if I could afford this model I would certainly have it included!

Jon              “Sounds ideal! I’ll take it! American Express?” (waves card)

Deal.           “That’ll do nicely, sir!”

Scene 2:       Jon installs satnav on dashboard and switches it on. It announces in a neutral voice:

Neutral       “Welcome to Lifestyle Navigation System. Please state your destination.”

Jon              “Oh, I like this! Um… Cinema please.”

Neutral       “There’s no need to say ‘please’, I’m only a voice.

Conscience (female)        “Speak for yourself! I think there’s absolutely every need to say ‘please’ – just because we’re voices in a satnav, there’s no need to encourage them to be rude to us. It’s bad enough the contempt they show to the elevators!”

Temptation(male)           “Oh give over, there’s a good girl! He bought us, he can talk to us how he likes. You’re too sensitive!”

Neutral       “Which cinema please?”

Jon (showing surprise)      “Oh, which cinema? Oh, I don’t mind.”

Temp.         “There’s a good movie at the Odeon. ‘Machete Man.’ Loads of killing, sort of thing you like, you know.”

Con             “How do you know what he likes?”

Temp.         “It’s my business to know everything about him. I’ve been looking after him for years, haven’t I Jon?”

Jon    (startled)      “How do you know my name?”

Temp.(chuckles)     “Oh, Jon, my old pal. You and I have been together for longer than I can remember. Do you remember nicking those sweets from Woolworths when you were eleven? Good weren’t they? Or that time you went on that dodgy website with your friends… yes, I didn’t think you’d forgotten! Well that was my inspiration.”

Jon                       “look, what is this, a wind-up or something? Who’s doing this to me?” (picks up Satnav and checks all around it.)

Neutral                 “Are we going anywhere? Only I’m getting cramp sat here. Oh, don’t drop me, please!”

Con             “Well I don’t think you should be going to see that film, it’s violence for violence sake.”

Temp          “Since when did Jon ever listen to you, you shrivelled old bat. Nag, nag, nag, that’s all you ever do. You never encourage him to do anything, you just make him feel bad about doing what he wants to. Well I say, let’s go to that film and enjoy it. The next showing is at six o’ clock, I’ve reserved a seat with a good view of the screen and it’s popcorn at half-price tonight, (to Jon)  See, me old mate, I know all your needs.”

Con             “Let him speak for himself. Jon, do you really want to see a violent film, the sort of film which encourages young men to imitate what they see and so lead to an even more violent society; or would you rather avoid it and do something useful.”

Temp.         “Well that’s hardly a fair question is it?”

Con             “let him answer… Jon?”

Jon              “I can’t believe this is happening! (thinks for a few moments) Oh all right, perhaps the film is a bad idea; but what do you suggest?”

(silence)

Temp          “See, not brimming over with ideas, are we?”

Neutral       “well when you’ve finished bickering, perhaps we could make a move, otherwise I’m going to have to get out and stretch my megabytes. It’s cramped in here with the two of you.”

Temp          “Looks like Machete Man it is then, Jon.”

Con             “oh, no! That’s an appalling film, you’re not seriously going to see that, not now.”

Jon (slowly) “You’re right, I don’t want to see that film, not after what you’ve said. (conscience cheers)  But don’t get carried away. All you’ve done is make me feel bad about doing something. You haven’t given me a better alternative.”

Con             “What did you used to do Sunday evening?”

Temp           “oh come off it old girl, you know as well as I do. He used to go along to church, nod off through the service then go home satisfied he’d done his bit. Hardly setting the world on fire was it?”

Jon              “It was a bit dull, yes.”

Neutral       “At least you had room to move there. Look are we going anywhere tonight?”

Temp & Con (simultaneously)    “Cinema!!  Church!”

Temp(wheedling)   “Can’t keep that seat reserved for ever, mate. Are you going to confirm it, just say the word, I’ll do it for you.”

Con             “Plenty of seats at the evening meeting, entry free, warm welcome. No reservation necessary.”

Temp           “No popcorn though!”

Con             “Usually a cup of tea if you catch somebody’s eye.”

Jon              “Ok, why should I go to the evening meeting? I mean it is a bit low-action, hymns, a talk- I’ve heard it all before.”

Con (severely)        “Well I’m ashamed of you, Jon. The number of times you complimented the speaker on his talk, now you’re complaining it’s boring.”

Temp          “That’s because it is. I mean, who believes it anyway? Jon, life’s short- you need to get out there, live a bit; know what I mean?”

Con             “Exactly, life is short. Don’t throw it away Jon!”

Jon (sighs)   “OK, tell me this, one of you says life is short, so enjoy it while you can, the other says life is short so don’t enjoy it, but go to church, and (embarrassed) you know…”

Con             “Worship God?”

Temp          “Says it all, dunnit matey?”

Jon              “You first, I mean the one who wants me to go to the cinema. Why should I listen to you?”

Con             “You shouldn’t…”

Jon (cuts her off sharply)  “Ah ah!! That’s enough, let him speak.”

Temp emerges from behind screen and pulls curtain over Conscience

(best reasonable tone)     “Good on you mate. Listen to a bit of sense. The question before us this night is simple. Why not just go where you please, when you please and do what you please? (pause) Well here’s my advice;

Jon, you have a nice car, you’re earning good graft, plenty of cash. Pretty soon when the right sort of girl come along, you know nice figure, dresses to impress your mates, loves your jokes, when she’s sitting in the car beside you, well she’ll want the same sort of things- right sort of holidays, Friday night at the nightclub, plenty of drinks, bit of a sore head Saturday, but never mind that. What I’m saying Jon is this: you need to keep an eye on what you want from this life, otherwise you’ll be always thinking that you missed out.

It’s not about just going to the cinema, Jon. It’s much more than that. It’s about looking after number one. If you don’t look after yourself, no one else will, that’s what I say.

Con( sounding outraged) “Can I speak now!”

Jon              “No, I haven’t finished with him yet. Ok, so what’s the Grand plan? What’s the big objective?”

Temp          “Grand plan? Whatcha mean? You got to take each day as it comes, Jon.”

Jon              “No, you misunderstand me. What I mean is what do I get out of this sort of life? You know rewards.”

Temp          “Oh, rewards! Why didn’t you just say that! Oh, Jon, my old mate, plenty. The way things are going with your job you’ll be able to put down a mortgage on a nice little house. Then that gorgeous blonde you’ve been seeing- I did say she was blonde didn’t I?- she’ll move in with you and in no time at all there’ll be the patter of tiny feet. It’ll tie you down a bit, but only for a few years. Then you get promotion, nice little management situation, great pension, and it’ll be sun-soaked villa in Spain for the Summer and Christmas with the grandchildren. Nice!”

Neutral       “Then what?”

Temp          “Then what? What more d’ye want? Course I haven’t mentioned the company expense account, fine wines, best tickets at Wimbledon…”

Jon              “I’m not interested in tennis…”

Temp          “Sorry mate, I forgot: Rugby, that’s your game ain’t it? Well best seats at Twickenham for the international. Oh and I think something else you’d like; a really cute secretary, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?? Look after you all the way, wouldn’t she?”

Jon (warmly)          “Keep talking, I like this…”

Neutral       “You’re not answering my question. I want to know what happens then, after all these things?”

Con             “Oh well said, well said!”

Temp (sharply)       “Stay out of this! You stick to giving directions.”

Neutral       “That’s what I’m trying to do. I want to know the answer to Jon’s question; what’s the final destination? Where do you get to at the end? Until I know that I can’t plot a course. You haven’t told me.”

Con             “That’s because he daren’t.”

Temp (sullenly)      “All right, so it’s no big deal. Yeah, at the end you…er get to die. But what’s the problem with that? Everyone’s got to go sometime.”

Neutral       “Ask Jon what happened to Frances”

Jon              “You know about her as well?”

Temp (awkwardly)  “Yeah, look Jon, we all felt sorry for her, she was a nice kid, but she didn’t know she was going to get Leukaemia did she?

Neutral       “Perhaps if she had, she would have had different priorities.

Jon (upset)   “Look here, as you seem to know everything about everything, I’ll tell you what was so sad about Frances. She had everything. She had a great job, big dreams. She was engaged to a doctor. They were going to move to New Zealand then she got sick. One year she was bright, cheerful, making big plans, the next dying in a hospice. She didn’t complain, but she was really miserable about the sudden end to all their hopes.

Temp          “Well, that just reinforces what I said; you got to enjoy it whilst you got it.”

Jon (Angrily)                   “Oh come on, is that all you can say?  Is that the sum total of your mission in life? Eat drink and be merry for tomorrow you die? Seems a pretty poor philosophy if you ask me!  And you’re assuming that you will live long enough to benefit from what you gain. Frances didn’t.

Temp          “Hey, don’t get shirty with me, pal. All I’m doing is directing you, these aren’t my ideas, they’re just a statement of what you really want, deep down. Of course you’re free to choose another course. (sniggers)

Why don’t you ask my colleague here about the alternative?”

Jon              Hey, lady, you wouldn’t shut up earlier, but now you’re really quiet. Haven’t you got anything to say?”

Con (primly)          “As a matter of fact some of it’s been said for me. Yes, life is unpredictable, some people get a really long innings, others are out for a duck; but the same event happens to them all. (pause) Now earlier you accused me of having no better ideas about what to do with your time this evening. Well actually I have plenty of ideas, but I didn’t think then you would have been very receptive to them.”

Jon    “Ok I’m listening now.”

Temp          “I know what’s coming…” (hums hymn tune mockingly)

Jon    “Now you can shut up! OK, what should I do with my time?”

Con (Faltering)       “You really want to know?”

Jon              “Yeah, honestly I do.”

Con   “OK, here’s the score. God has given you your life. It’s not yours, it’s a gift. You are free to choose what to do with it, but you must bear the consequences of your choice, OK? Now you can make a stash of the cash, grab what you can, enjoy life to the full, God won’t stand in your way. But you must be aware of the potential problems.”

Jon    “Which are…?”

Con   “The obvious one Frances and millions like her find out- that what God gives, He can take away just as easily. But the other is sometimes just as difficult to come to terms with. It’s that dreams sometimes remain just that- dreams. You dream of health and wealth but end up with sickness and poverty. Nobody imagines it can happen to them, but it does to many, many people.  And by the time you find out, you’ve wasted a life chasing vanity and dreams. That’s it, gone. Finished. Kaput!”

Jon              “You’re still not telling me the alternatives.”

Con             “I was getting there. Now when you used to go to church, were you aware of a certain something that wasn’t anywhere else?”

Jon              “Well they seemed quite satisfied to be there.”

Con             “Exactly! They were satisfied, or at least most were. They had found something which meant more to them than all the other things on the planet. Something that was permanent, something that brought them back time and time again to the place. Something that brought them reassurance, hope, contentment, tranquillity- all this and much more besides.”

Temp          “Woah Guv’nor, this is heavy!”

Con             “As I was saying, these worshippers had discovered something that transcended their everyday lives, which brought meaning to their existence and direction with each new day.”

(Temp is muttering ‘heavy, heavy, heavy’)

Con             “Not that I expect him to understand it; not many people do. They are used to going into shops and buying things; shoes, dresses, computers, DVD’s…”

Temp          “Satnav’s”

Jon              “SHUTUP!!”

Con             “It is widely believed that everything has a price. And by having everything you want you are in some way purchasing happiness. And if you are unhappy it is because you haven’t got enough things to surround yourself with. Sadly the best things in life are way beyond reach of money.

Jon              “And what are the best things?”

Con             “Godliness with contentment is great gain. It’s knowing that you are at peace with your Creator and that everything that happens thereafter is part of his Big Plan for you and all mankind. It’s a totally different perspective on life. You treat wealth as a gift from God and use it wisely to serve Him. You take each day as it comes…”

Temp          “Hey that’s my line!”

Con             “And thank God for it; you make all your plans accepting them to be the LORD’s will and you keep your life focussed on God’s direction. That’s what those folk at the meeting had, Jon. They had the peace of God which passes understanding.”

Jon              “Are you telling me that they’re all happy?”

Con             “I’m telling you that they are being offered genuine everlasting satisfaction. Whether they accept it is their choice. Usually their continued attendance at church indicates that they have found what they want.”

Temp          “Come on girl, tell him the downside, the disadvantages, the bad bits.”

Con             “OK, the rub is that you get thrown in with a pretty disparate bunch of misfits. Not the usual types you’d like to hang out with. But after a while that doesn’t matter. Jesus didn’t come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance; and only by seeing yourself as you really are do you understand why meetings are the way they are.”

Jon              “What do you mean, ‘seeing myself as I really am?’”

Con             “Jon, my friend, you are also a sinner. A very well-off sinner, with plenty of earning potential and all the best connections and a great life ahead of you, but you’re still a sinner. And unless you sort that out you will die. It’s as simple as that. That’s what the meeting is for- it’s God’s hospital for sinners, with Jesus as the chief doctor. He doesn’t pick and choose who gets scraped up and brought in. He takes everybody, rich and poor, clever and stupid- and treats them the same. He heals them, forgives their sins, gives their lives direction and sets them on the path to his Kingdom.”

Jon              “Yes, they kept going on about the kingdom!”

Con             “Rightly so! It’s the final destination of the righteous. They’ve seen through all the sham of the world. Where most people see opportunities and self-advancement, they only see selfishness and greed. They see a world sick to the core with sin and evil. And they long for something better. So God sets a better set of coordinates for them to navigate towards- a time when the earth is ruled by Christ and sickness, death, greed, tears, murder, war- oh the whole lot we’ve come to know is a thing of the past. Oh, and they get to live forever.

Jon              “Wow!”

Temp shouts loudly           “Bah, humbug!”

Con             “Please yourself. But if you are interested, God supplied a navigation system centuries ago. It allows you to direction-find on earth because it is locked onto a signal from heaven. You can plan every step of the way. If you go wrong it will replot your route or help you retrace your steps. It will strengthen you, guide you, inspire you comfort you, talk to you, educate you, oh and a thousand other things.

Temp (sourly)        “Oh here we go, time to plug the Bible! (pauses) Jon, look here, you don’t need to think about this right now. Perhaps I was wrong to suggest we go to see Machete Man, but all this heavy stuff isn’t you, is it?  Let’s take time out to think about it. I’ll be with you, mate. I’ll be there to help you see sense. I’ll be there to pick up the pieces when all this religion stuff gets you down. I can get you a great life, Jon. Don’t you forget it! You know where I am!”

Con   “So will I.”

(Pause)

Neutral emerges from behind screen

“Welcome to Lifestyle Navigation System. Please state your destination-Jon.”